I don’t give with expectations of something in return. When I give, I give with love and with love there is never any regrets.
I’m in a job that I don’t enjoy. Every morning I wake up to a tape already playing in my mind about how miserable I am; creating ways to get out of going to work knowing full well I will show up, make the best of it, and give 100% (and then some just to make up for what everyone else around me isn’t).
I woke up thinking about another day at home trying to work and take care of my son, and shopping, and life in general.
Trying to take care of my sanity, find myself in this new day to day schedule that has what I knew turned completely upside down.
But, if I’m honest with myself, every day for the most part is like this.
I wake up hating my job.
I wake up wondering how much longer it’s going to take to find another; and then I feel resentful.
Resentful for what I don’t have, resentment for what I think I am entitled to by praying, trying, and giving.
I wish I could say I pray, give, and do all while expecting nothing in return, but that would be a big lie.
I do pray to change my life.
I do want change, especially in a job that I know I have grown out of.
But, try as I might to understand why things are running at a snail’s pace and why nothing seems to be moving in the direction I’d prefer; I’m reminded of how many times I complain about the world (others) not giving me what I want when I almost literally forget that I too am not giving what I want.
I’m not giving myself the permission to heal.
I’m not giving myself the permission to feel without resentment.
Showing up for life isn’t about winning a trophy or getting some prize.
I wish I could recognize this sooner.
Instead, it’s about loving what life isn’t giving you, so you can appreciate what you have.
In that mindset I can look forward to the time I’m going to get with my son today; and I can show up for the times when I simply need a break.
Often, we want what we’re first not giving.
We want validation for a job well done when we’re not showing gratitude towards what others have done for us.
We want a new job without truly showing up with a good attitude for the one we have.
We want our loves to be more attentive when all the while we’re complaining about what they’re not giving.
Turning our judgement back around on ourselves offers light (hopefully not more judgment).
It illuminates where our minds and hearts are at any given time.
It shows us the love we want is not the love we are giving.
And while I know it can be easier said than done to change this, I do know that when I do and when I stay in that space even if only briefly, I see what true freedom really is.
It’s not a new job.
It’s not a new relationship or winning a million dollars (though I wouldn’t turn it away if I did)
It’s about showing up to your thoughts and where they’re taking you (the feeling associated with them most importantly) to see what you’re first giving.
And as you do, you may understand that the world was never doing anything to you, rather it was returning to you what you first gave it.
So, I hope today you (like me) give yourself a break.
Give yourself the freedom to feel, to think, and to be; and depending on where that’s all taking you (and others) give yourself the permission to change, to be happy.
A happiness that goes far beyond how we’ve traditionally defined it.
Not just with the new, but with the present too.